“Boulevard Of Broken Dreams”

My car says, “Look at me!”
I am the biggest badass on the road
A three-ton SUV
Move over! or I’ll squash you like a toad

I drive this empty street
On the Boulevard of Low MPG
Where the city sleeps
and I’m the only one and I drive alone

I drive alone
I drive alone

I drive alone
I drive a-l-o-n-e

…

Ah-S-U-V, Ah-S-U-V
Ah-S-U-V, Ah-S-U-V

“Suddenly I See”

Her face is a map of the world
…

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
That I’ve really got to pee
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell did I drink so much iced tea?

…

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
That I’ve really got to pee
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell did I drink so much iced tea?

…

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Feel the need so desperately
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Should I go behind a tree?
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
That I’ve really got to pee
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell did I drink so much iced tea?

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Sometimes I’m back home in Idaho
Sometimes I’m in the District of Columbia
Sometimes I’ve got to fly into Minnesota
I always go to men’s room when I drink a little water

Got to get myself to the airport men’s room
Find relief the airport men’s room
Which way to the airport men’s room
Now it’s called the “Larry Craig men’s room”

I search the men’s room for some privacy
As I peer into the stalls to see what I can see
I sit on my throne with my usual wide stance
Tap my foot and give the floor a quick glance

But I’m not gay but I’m not gay but I’m not gay now
But I’m not gay but I’m not gay but I’m not gay now
But I’m not gay but I’m not gay but I’m not gay now
After all, can’t you see I’m married?

I wish I knew how to quit you
Fact is that I haven’t even met you
One quick time and then we are through
Got to catch my flight back to Idaho

But I’m not gay but I’m not gay but I’m not gay now
But I’m not gay but I’m not gay but I’m not gay now
But I’m not gay but I’m not gay but I’m not gay now
Ooh… ooh yeah
But I’m not gay but I’m not gay but I’m not gay now
But I’m not gay but I’m not gay but I’m not gay now
But I’m not gay but I’m not gay but I’m not gay now
I cant tell if I’m a swinger or a swapper

Sung to the tune of “Crooked Teeth” by Death Cab for Cutie

I sat that day there in the shade
And I thought, wow, I’ve got it made
Out of the pool after a dip, but only salsa to put on my chip
Like mexican food at the mall, the mall

I love avocados served ripe and raw
Much more than hot dogs topped with cole slaw
And there is no doubt what I want by my side
mmhmm

So I sought an avocado to mash
to be used, consumed, and then I knew in a flash

That you can’t make guacamole
If you don’t mash avocados
No you can’t make guacamole
If you don’t mash avocados

I roamed the grocery store
Seeking avocados, tomatoes, and more.
and more, woo, hoo, woo, hoo.

Onion, chilies, garlic, cilantro
Mashed together with a fork in a bowl
Or in my molcajete, a stone mortar and pestle

When that climacteric fruit is mashed, nothing’s lost
Don’t fret, it’s all opportunity costs

Cause you can’t make guacamole
If you don’t mash avocados
No you can’t make guacamole
If you don’t mash avocados

Alligator pear or aguacate
Avocat means lawyer too
Avogadro found a number, he was good at math
But I’d rather walk the avocado path

Cause you can’t make guacamole
If you don’t mash avocados
No you can’t make guacamole
If you don’t mash avocados
No you can’t make guacamole
If you won’t mash avocados
No you can’t make guacamole
If you won’t mash avocados

Something like “Hey There Delilah” by Plain White T’s

Hey there Delilah
You have got to lose some weight
I never thought a fattie for a girlfriend would be my fate
When you go on vacation, do they send you in a crate?
If you’d just lose fifty pounds or so, then you would look just great
The paparazzi would take pix of you as if you were my mate
I don’t want to seem mean
But have you tried Lean Cuisine?

Oh your cup size is a G
Oh you’re much bigger than me
Oh you’re bigger than a tree
Oh lock the freezer with a key
You’re more than I can see

When you choose food instead of me I feel so forsaken
Did you know when you walk down the street the earth starts a-quaken?
Hey there Delilah, you just sit there eating bacon
And with every bite you take you know my heart is breakin’
Yes, you know it’s true
A pig says “oink” not “moo”
Eatin’ bacon’s what you do
You’ve got enough for my whole crew
I’d like a plate of bacon too
But I’m a Jew

Hey there Delilah, you just keep on getting fatter
If I had to choose “plus-sized” or “fat” I’d just say that you’re the later
If I ever mention it, you say nothing’s the matter
It drives me so crazy I feel just like the mad hatter
In any conflagration you would break the fireman’s ladder
Do you put it in a third leg?
I think you need Jenny Craig

Hey there Delilah, did you eat all the Ben and Jerry’s?
I see an empty birdcage; did your cat eat the canaries?
You could drink the milk and cream of a dozen dairies
If you were in “Pan’s Labyrinth” you would eat the fairies
Let’s put these t-bones out of reach
Have you tried South Beach?

Hey there Delilah, do you ever exercise?
If you’d get on the StairMaster you wouldn’t have those thighs
How about some jumping jacks instead of Biggie fries
I saw you at McDonald’s and now they’re out of pies
Here’s the advice you must heed
Weight Watchers is what you need

Oh your cup size is a G
Oh you’re much bigger than me
Oh you’re bigger than a tree
Oh lock the freezer with a key
You’re more than I can see

A song about Ken Lay and Enron, sung to the tune of “The Ballad of Jed Clampett”, the Beverly Hillbillies theme, as performed by Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs

Come and listen to a story ‘bout a man named Lay
Whose only goal in life was to increase his pay
He was born in Missouri to plain old Baptist folk
But he though the golden rule was nothin’ but a joke.

“Sell stock to others while others can’t sell stock, that’s my rule,” he says

Kenny-Boy went off to Houston to university
And pretty soon thereafter he got his Ph.D.
On his diploma was Ec-o-nom-ics
But he made his money with a bunch of dirty tricks.

Enron . . . Chewco . . . Whitewing

Enron was a company that delivered gas and oil
But it didn’t pay enough for Kenny’s time and toil
He found a scheme to get between the seller and the buyer
He says it weren’t no wrong; John McCain thinks he’s a liar.

Off the books, undisclosed liabilities hidden from investors

To be his CEO, Ken hired Jeffrey Skilling
Who said to his boss, “Here’s how we’ll make a killing:
We’ll let Enron keep the profits and hide all the losses,
Don’t tell employees, just share this with the bosses.”

JEDI, that’s Joint Energy Development Investments

Well the first thing ya’ know, Kenny-boy’s a millionaire
He said: “I want mo’ money. How I get it, I don’t care!
Accounting’s not all black and white — plenty of it’s gray.
As long as my stock goes up I’ll look the other way.”

“Sometimes things aren’t exactly black-and-white when it comes to accounting procedures.” George Bush – July, 2002

Kenny saw he’d need a way to make it seem legit’
While he was busy grabbin’ all that he could get
He needed an accountant with the morals of a whore,
Who knew how to cook the books so he’d get more and more.

Arthur Andersen LLP, headed by Joe “I can’t recall” Berardino

Regulators? no problem! Kenny had a friend named Bush
Who told him he’d appoint whoere’ Ken would wish,
So to make the FERC do what Kenny though it should,
He put in place a Texan whose name was Pat Wood.

FERC, that’s Federal Energy Regulatory Commission

An energy policy was needed for the nation
Bush made sure that Kenny-boy was there for its creation
Enron folk got secret meetings with Vice President Dick Cheney
(Former Haliburton CEO no longer seems so brainy)

Congressional investigative arm takes Vice Pres to court …

An Enronite named Sherron Watkins sounded the alarm
Ken and Jeff said, “We’re just millionaires who never did no harm”
Sherron said, “alarming accounting irregularities”
Jeff said, “No, just complex accounting subtleties.”

“implode in a wave of accounting scandals,” she wrote

Then there came a problem that Ken did not foresee,
A little technicality that we call bankruptcy
When the bankers quit a-lending, and the stock was in free fall
Ken picked up the phone; Bush did not return his call.

“Ken who? Campaign contributions?” said Ari Fleischer

A little while afterwards, with Enron in the red
Clifford Baxter took a gun and put it to his head
Kenny blamed the media, said they paid too much attention
But Enron and its deals were Kenny-boy’s invention.

What’s the media supposed to do with the largest bankruptcy in U.S. history?

Kenny’s wife went on the TV to say that they was poor
They had to sell a house in Aspen and they’ve only got two more
Folks that lost their jobs and savings say Ken and she’s still rich
It’s hard to have much sympathy for such a spoiled b**ch.

Two homes in Aspen? better than bein’ Lay-ed off

Next thing was the Congresspeople, all investigatin’
All but Skilling took the fifth to a-void explicatin’
Campaign finance passed the Congress, nothing Bush could do
Lobbyists will find another way to get the money through.

Best Congress money can buy! Legalized bribery!

Ken looked at his bank account; there just was not enough
His wife Linda opened up a shop, that she called “Jus’ Stuff”
There they sell accoutrements from their life of luxury
They’ll have to sell a sh*tload to pay their attorney’s fee.

bronze goat ($700), painted horse ($3,600), Charles Barkley jersey ($380)

Enron insider Michael Kopper was the first to cop a plea
He pays a $12 mil fine, and the go’erment lets him be
Prosecutors hope he’ll provide some worthwhile testimony
Enough to charge Ken Lay and every Enron crony.

Kopper, top deputy to Enron CFO

Enron’s CFO was a man named Andrew Fastow
Who regarded Enron as his personal cash-cow
What he suckled from the bloated Enron udder
Is enough to make any working man shudder.

“improperly pocketing more than $31 million”

Andrew Fastow turned himself in to the FBI
The feds are always lookin’ for bigger fish to fry
Eventually he may lose his ill-gotten gains
Though that doesn’t start to rectify Enron’s investors’ pains.

fraud, money laundering and conspiracy

A Congressional panel found that Enron paid no tax
while they were pushin’ executive compensation to the max.
It’s clear that only working folk got the Enron axe
No matter how you spin it, them’s the simple facts.

Aw shucks! Ken and Jeff were just implementin’ Bush’s tax cuts for the rich a few years early

We hope it’s time to say goodbye to Ken and all his kin
Too bad that you’re now OUT what you invested IN
They thought they were so smart they had a scheme that could not fail,
They’ll have time to think it over as they sit a spell in jail.

Do not pass go, Do not collect two hundred million dollars
Chain gangs . . . guard towers . . . . group showers . . . bye bye!
ya’ll come back now, and see how this ballad ends, ya’ hear?